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Rain and your voice. Two things that I would forever long for, two things I would always love and two things that I would never be able to own.

I never really know why I love the rain. When most people worship the sun and the beach, I take solace in the rain and the woods or even the long winding road to nowhere.

It must be the solemn whisper that the drizzle brings as each drops trickle down to the lush leaves of the remaining mango tree in our backyard when I was seven years old. It must be the cool and soothing feeling that the first rain after the summer brings to my pre-pubescent body back in Dolores. Or it must be the refreshingly pure crystals that nourished our garden of petchay back in my primary school days in Bacood.

I was never able to pinpoint the reason. All I know is that I love the rain. I love the comfort that it brings me even though I never knew how it can comfort me. I love the bliss that it gives my tired soul even though I never knew how numbing cold can be any blissful. I love the peacefulness that envelops me when I watch the rain pour even though I know what destruction it can bring to low lying areas in our country. I guess that’s why I say I love it, because I never knew the reason why.

I once told you that love is like that. If you know the reason or if you can explain your fondness to somebody, you don’t love him, you only like him. Love is like faith and “like” is well, like believing. If you believe something because there is some proof to back it, it’s not faith. Nobody has ever seen God but most people believe in Him, that is faith.

I didn’t know if I made sense to you that day but all I know is that we love each other dearly and whether it’s right or wrong I sincerely feel that we can survive any ordeal that may be thrown our way.

Now I am not too sure about it. It was raining when I heard your voice again and I know how deeply I still love you and your voice. But it’s different now.

It was also raining the first time the same lovely voice told me that you love me too. I will not even try to describe the flood of emotion that I felt. People who have been loved before know how it feels and those who haven’t experience it yet will not know it. I mean, how can you ever describe accurately to a young Aeta child the taste of an ice cream if he hasn’t tried it yet?

It started out like any casual attraction. The first time I saw you, I never imagined in my wildest thought that I would eventually love you like no other. Yes, I was deeply attracted with your soulful Latina eyes and your lovely smile but it was your killer butt that really stirred my lustful imaginations. I was not really a butt guy but there was some air of sexiness you brought when, during our company outing, you came in a very hot denim shorts that made me decide to risk being accused of sexual harassment.

You were, after all, one of my subordinates and while people say I don’t look six years older than you, you were barely legal during that time. It was also my number one rule to never be involved with a subordinate, but damn, you are hot.

It was a long trip to Zambales but I enjoyed each minute after some expert machinations forced you to sit beside me during the trip. I tried to be with you all throughout the outing to make sure nobody else will get a chance to talk to you. I know then that at least two of my regular staffs are eyeing you also so I have to be alert all the time. I didn’t mind that I might lose my credibility to my other staff and subordinate, I only care for this very hot young thing.

The long trip back to Manila was even more satisfying. You were so tired and you were also feeling sick that you did not mind when I offered by shoulder to sleep on during the long travel. I never knew that I can sustain such a long and hard erection until that summer day.

It was supposed to be a strong lustful affection but I started to get to know you. You were not like any other hot Latina I envisioned. Yes, you are hot. But no, you were not letting just anybody to let their steam off you. You are deep and sweet. You are mature beyond your age yet innocent and pure. You are thoughtful and kind. And I eventually fell in love with you.

I know you had feelings for me also but one really never know what hits him until it does hit him on the face. And one rainy day on our way back from Tagaytay I finally heard from your sweet voice that you love me too. I remember us both shedding tears of joy while our cab driver waits for the green light in the intersection of Vito Cruz and Taft Ave. I would never forget that one rainy day inside that damp cab at the corner of Vito Cruz and Taft on my birthday.

You knew then that I will be the man for you forever. I know then that I will love you forever. You knew then that you were willing to live your life with me forever. I only know that I will make your life happy always but I was never sure if I could ever own you ever.

When I heard your voice again earlier, it still brought pure joy to my heart. I guess, even if we just say the same thing to each other every day, I will always feel that bliss it brings to my soul. It never gets boring to us even if we will just utter the same thing everyday. I will forever long for your voice, for your presence even though it is different now.

As I listened to you tell me some issues you had with your new boyfriend I realized that the feeling is the same but it is different now. I am here to make sure that you will be happy always and I will have to make sure that you and your boyfriend make your relationship work. We love each other but it is different now.

I guess I am lucky to be staying in Singapore now. It has always rained ever since I moved in here and its keeping me sane. It gives me an alternative to t
he other things that I love most.

As I looked out the window, the rain has stopped now but it left behind a cool breeze that’s soothing my warm skin. It’s like your lingering voice that soothes my tired mind. It’s like your lovely voice that keeps me going when I am sad.

My sweetest wish perhaps is to be old and gray one rainy summer day, walking in the beach holding hand with you.

I know I would probably never be able to own you now. But I will love you forever and will look forward to that one rainy summer day when you will whisper to me that you have always love me too.

magsÂ

February 20, 2001, at home

Getting up early has never been a habit for me. I lie in bed, with the wall clock ticking at a few minutes past 4 in the morning, both my hands at the back of my head. The mellow light from the lampshade illuminates the room and turning the purple curtains into shades of red, it moves slowly as the soft wind blows through the window to make ripples on it. February mornings have been cold this year. You’re sleeping soundly beside me. Hmmm, I was barely able to sleep last night, too excited to doze off, my mind busy thinking about the preparations I have to do this early morning. In a few minutes I’ll be sneaking in dozens of flowers into the bedroom, careful enough not to wake you up. This is my surprise to you and my way of saying thank you for everything you’ve given me. Today we will celebrate our first year of marriage.

You would place your arms around me as you sleep as what you have always done the last 365 nights. I would then hold your back and put you closer to me. Yes, quite difficult to comprehend that even in your sleep you subconsciously make me aware how I much mean to you. Everything has been so complete and romantic for us since we got married last year. And never have I been so happy in my life-and this I believe is an understatement.

I look back on how our bondage began many years before, a long time ago, me, fresh from college and feeling my way around my first job. And what else best narrates our story but the letter I sent to a popular radio station two years ago. It was the turning point of my, or rather, our lives. It makes me smile to remember how the disc jockey was so “touched” by my letter and the song that she dedicated to the two of us. That song has become my favorite since then- I’m sure you know that song. The months and the years that passed after that was easy and free flowing…and slowly we re-built the past and started our togetherness. As I reminisce back I stroke your hair as you sleep. I wonder what you would feel when you wake up and see all those flowers…

I still remember every line of that letter, every word, and my recollections transport me back to the time when I was alone in my room, pen in my hand, each stroke of my hand translates what I had carried inside for quite so long.

This is our story.

One Friday night in October 1998, the DJ reads this letter.

To you,

Hi, I hope you’re listening to this radio station, I know I’m such a foolish guy to do this, anyway here it is.

It all started six years ago when we became officemates in Lipa City. It was my first job, my first step into the real world which later came to be the start to my path to self discovery. The introvert type of man that I have always been, I made it a point not to let anyone know in the office that I treat you as someone special. I always see you everyday, me pretending busy doing something but in the corner of my eye I watch you as you gracefully perform your work. Just seeing you completes my day.

But even the best-kept secrets find its way to leak out. Soon everybody’s teasing us almost every day, and it made me quite uncomfortable. How I wished that it just remained as it is, a secret, so I would stealthily take quick looks at you, smile at you when you pass by, and pretend that its just part of our daily routine.

I thought the uncovering of my secret would result to an air of uneasiness between us, but to my surprise you sent me a note, telling me that we could be friends if I want. That was the greatest surprise that I got, as never did I expect someone like you to offer that to someone as lowly as I am. But no matter how receptive you were for us to be friends I still remained distant. It was I who would look away when our eyes met, it was I who would turn away when I see you heading my direction, It was I who placed a distance between us. That was how we have been for the one whole year I served in that company. Soon I found another job that would transport me far away from you.

The next job brought me to a place where people speak another language and whose way of life is quite different from what we have in Batangas. On still nights with nothing else to think about I blamed myself for not doing any move to approach you, talk to you, be your friend, and later on express my thoughts and feelings. Yes, it was stupid to think that I spent one whole year there with you, just a few meters from me, and not doing anything. For years I suffered because of my own weakness. How I wished then that I were able to squeeze every amount of self-confidence and muster all the courage to just talk to you.

But an unexpected thing happened-by sheer luck, or perhaps by God’s own way, I found another job-a job that would lead me back to Batangas. And that was the chance I’m waiting for!

I was back and made arrangements for us to meet again. I swallowed all my shyness, thinking that it is now or never-I may lose you forever if I would not make any effort to let you know how special you are to me. I waited, it seemed that the minutes that passed was eternity, and at last you came. It seemed nothing has changed- you are still so kind and so sweet, and the time and distance that existed between us vanished in an instant. I was so awestruck at that moment and no word described how I felt then! I promised to myself to remove every tinge of introversion from myself for I almost lost you before and I never would that happen again.

And so on air, through this radio station, I am not ashamed to tell the whole world how much I love you.

Signed: cupcake

That was it. Well, I guess I have gone quite far… The disc jockey got too carried away and said on air that our story should culminate in marriage. And she’s a good fortune teller-two years after that letter we exchanged “I do’s” in a simple wedding ceremony. Right now we’re starting a new life and building a happy family.

I bend down to kiss your cheeks and slowly I whispered to your ears as you sleep: “thank you and happy anniversary sweetheart”.

Â

eaclaveria@f…comÂ

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waw. – ed.Â

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