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Rain and your voice. Two things that I would forever long for, two things I would always love and two things that I would never be able to own.

I never really know why I love the rain. When most people worship the sun and the beach, I take solace in the rain and the woods or even the long winding road to nowhere.

It must be the solemn whisper that the drizzle brings as each drops trickle down to the lush leaves of the remaining mango tree in our backyard when I was seven years old. It must be the cool and soothing feeling that the first rain after the summer brings to my pre-pubescent body back in Dolores. Or it must be the refreshingly pure crystals that nourished our garden of petchay back in my primary school days in Bacood.

I was never able to pinpoint the reason. All I know is that I love the rain. I love the comfort that it brings me even though I never knew how it can comfort me. I love the bliss that it gives my tired soul even though I never knew how numbing cold can be any blissful. I love the peacefulness that envelops me when I watch the rain pour even though I know what destruction it can bring to low lying areas in our country. I guess that’s why I say I love it, because I never knew the reason why.

I once told you that love is like that. If you know the reason or if you can explain your fondness to somebody, you don’t love him, you only like him. Love is like faith and “like” is well, like believing. If you believe something because there is some proof to back it, it’s not faith. Nobody has ever seen God but most people believe in Him, that is faith.

I didn’t know if I made sense to you that day but all I know is that we love each other dearly and whether it’s right or wrong I sincerely feel that we can survive any ordeal that may be thrown our way.

Now I am not too sure about it. It was raining when I heard your voice again and I know how deeply I still love you and your voice. But it’s different now.

It was also raining the first time the same lovely voice told me that you love me too. I will not even try to describe the flood of emotion that I felt. People who have been loved before know how it feels and those who haven’t experience it yet will not know it. I mean, how can you ever describe accurately to a young Aeta child the taste of an ice cream if he hasn’t tried it yet?

It started out like any casual attraction. The first time I saw you, I never imagined in my wildest thought that I would eventually love you like no other. Yes, I was deeply attracted with your soulful Latina eyes and your lovely smile but it was your killer butt that really stirred my lustful imaginations. I was not really a butt guy but there was some air of sexiness you brought when, during our company outing, you came in a very hot denim shorts that made me decide to risk being accused of sexual harassment.

You were, after all, one of my subordinates and while people say I don’t look six years older than you, you were barely legal during that time. It was also my number one rule to never be involved with a subordinate, but damn, you are hot.

It was a long trip to Zambales but I enjoyed each minute after some expert machinations forced you to sit beside me during the trip. I tried to be with you all throughout the outing to make sure nobody else will get a chance to talk to you. I know then that at least two of my regular staffs are eyeing you also so I have to be alert all the time. I didn’t mind that I might lose my credibility to my other staff and subordinate, I only care for this very hot young thing.

The long trip back to Manila was even more satisfying. You were so tired and you were also feeling sick that you did not mind when I offered by shoulder to sleep on during the long travel. I never knew that I can sustain such a long and hard erection until that summer day.

It was supposed to be a strong lustful affection but I started to get to know you. You were not like any other hot Latina I envisioned. Yes, you are hot. But no, you were not letting just anybody to let their steam off you. You are deep and sweet. You are mature beyond your age yet innocent and pure. You are thoughtful and kind. And I eventually fell in love with you.

I know you had feelings for me also but one really never know what hits him until it does hit him on the face. And one rainy day on our way back from Tagaytay I finally heard from your sweet voice that you love me too. I remember us both shedding tears of joy while our cab driver waits for the green light in the intersection of Vito Cruz and Taft Ave. I would never forget that one rainy day inside that damp cab at the corner of Vito Cruz and Taft on my birthday.

You knew then that I will be the man for you forever. I know then that I will love you forever. You knew then that you were willing to live your life with me forever. I only know that I will make your life happy always but I was never sure if I could ever own you ever.

When I heard your voice again earlier, it still brought pure joy to my heart. I guess, even if we just say the same thing to each other every day, I will always feel that bliss it brings to my soul. It never gets boring to us even if we will just utter the same thing everyday. I will forever long for your voice, for your presence even though it is different now.

As I listened to you tell me some issues you had with your new boyfriend I realized that the feeling is the same but it is different now. I am here to make sure that you will be happy always and I will have to make sure that you and your boyfriend make your relationship work. We love each other but it is different now.

I guess I am lucky to be staying in Singapore now. It has always rained ever since I moved in here and its keeping me sane. It gives me an alternative to t
he other things that I love most.

As I looked out the window, the rain has stopped now but it left behind a cool breeze that’s soothing my warm skin. It’s like your lingering voice that soothes my tired mind. It’s like your lovely voice that keeps me going when I am sad.

My sweetest wish perhaps is to be old and gray one rainy summer day, walking in the beach holding hand with you.

I know I would probably never be able to own you now. But I will love you forever and will look forward to that one rainy summer day when you will whisper to me that you have always love me too.

magsÂ

February 20, 2001, at home

Getting up early has never been a habit for me. I lie in bed, with the wall clock ticking at a few minutes past 4 in the morning, both my hands at the back of my head. The mellow light from the lampshade illuminates the room and turning the purple curtains into shades of red, it moves slowly as the soft wind blows through the window to make ripples on it. February mornings have been cold this year. You’re sleeping soundly beside me. Hmmm, I was barely able to sleep last night, too excited to doze off, my mind busy thinking about the preparations I have to do this early morning. In a few minutes I’ll be sneaking in dozens of flowers into the bedroom, careful enough not to wake you up. This is my surprise to you and my way of saying thank you for everything you’ve given me. Today we will celebrate our first year of marriage.

You would place your arms around me as you sleep as what you have always done the last 365 nights. I would then hold your back and put you closer to me. Yes, quite difficult to comprehend that even in your sleep you subconsciously make me aware how I much mean to you. Everything has been so complete and romantic for us since we got married last year. And never have I been so happy in my life-and this I believe is an understatement.

I look back on how our bondage began many years before, a long time ago, me, fresh from college and feeling my way around my first job. And what else best narrates our story but the letter I sent to a popular radio station two years ago. It was the turning point of my, or rather, our lives. It makes me smile to remember how the disc jockey was so “touched” by my letter and the song that she dedicated to the two of us. That song has become my favorite since then- I’m sure you know that song. The months and the years that passed after that was easy and free flowing…and slowly we re-built the past and started our togetherness. As I reminisce back I stroke your hair as you sleep. I wonder what you would feel when you wake up and see all those flowers…

I still remember every line of that letter, every word, and my recollections transport me back to the time when I was alone in my room, pen in my hand, each stroke of my hand translates what I had carried inside for quite so long.

This is our story.

One Friday night in October 1998, the DJ reads this letter.

To you,

Hi, I hope you’re listening to this radio station, I know I’m such a foolish guy to do this, anyway here it is.

It all started six years ago when we became officemates in Lipa City. It was my first job, my first step into the real world which later came to be the start to my path to self discovery. The introvert type of man that I have always been, I made it a point not to let anyone know in the office that I treat you as someone special. I always see you everyday, me pretending busy doing something but in the corner of my eye I watch you as you gracefully perform your work. Just seeing you completes my day.

But even the best-kept secrets find its way to leak out. Soon everybody’s teasing us almost every day, and it made me quite uncomfortable. How I wished that it just remained as it is, a secret, so I would stealthily take quick looks at you, smile at you when you pass by, and pretend that its just part of our daily routine.

I thought the uncovering of my secret would result to an air of uneasiness between us, but to my surprise you sent me a note, telling me that we could be friends if I want. That was the greatest surprise that I got, as never did I expect someone like you to offer that to someone as lowly as I am. But no matter how receptive you were for us to be friends I still remained distant. It was I who would look away when our eyes met, it was I who would turn away when I see you heading my direction, It was I who placed a distance between us. That was how we have been for the one whole year I served in that company. Soon I found another job that would transport me far away from you.

The next job brought me to a place where people speak another language and whose way of life is quite different from what we have in Batangas. On still nights with nothing else to think about I blamed myself for not doing any move to approach you, talk to you, be your friend, and later on express my thoughts and feelings. Yes, it was stupid to think that I spent one whole year there with you, just a few meters from me, and not doing anything. For years I suffered because of my own weakness. How I wished then that I were able to squeeze every amount of self-confidence and muster all the courage to just talk to you.

But an unexpected thing happened-by sheer luck, or perhaps by God’s own way, I found another job-a job that would lead me back to Batangas. And that was the chance I’m waiting for!

I was back and made arrangements for us to meet again. I swallowed all my shyness, thinking that it is now or never-I may lose you forever if I would not make any effort to let you know how special you are to me. I waited, it seemed that the minutes that passed was eternity, and at last you came. It seemed nothing has changed- you are still so kind and so sweet, and the time and distance that existed between us vanished in an instant. I was so awestruck at that moment and no word described how I felt then! I promised to myself to remove every tinge of introversion from myself for I almost lost you before and I never would that happen again.

And so on air, through this radio station, I am not ashamed to tell the whole world how much I love you.

Signed: cupcake

That was it. Well, I guess I have gone quite far… The disc jockey got too carried away and said on air that our story should culminate in marriage. And she’s a good fortune teller-two years after that letter we exchanged “I do’s” in a simple wedding ceremony. Right now we’re starting a new life and building a happy family.

I bend down to kiss your cheeks and slowly I whispered to your ears as you sleep: “thank you and happy anniversary sweetheart”.

Â

eaclaveria@f…comÂ

———

waw. – ed.Â

Â

I wrote this 8 years ago when I fell in love with my best bud.

Para kay “sec-gen”

You entered my life rather abruptly, like the current that suddenly flooded an empty street. You came at the time when there was an empty seat. You sat down in my life and I never would want you to stand up and walk away.

Our friendship is one of a kind. “We met by chance and became friends by choice”. It was a fast – paced transition… from mere acquaintances to friends; sort of an ice cube melting into water. From then on, you silently travelled the road towards my unwilling heart.

Your killer eyes and smile make me survive the toughness of the day. At some point, the made me blush and at the most, they made me shiver. Your big brown eyes envelope my whole being, as if the night eating the light of the day. Your smile flashes like lightning and can “kill” me instantly. Your voice sound the sweetest notes and make my emotions dance for joy. Your body is comparable to Adonis’, just enough to warm my chilling soul. Your attitude brought you up my pedestal where I look up to you from time to time.

Then I suddenly found myself having you in my system, as if I was having an unquittable habit. Your face it seems, knows its way into my memory, for it went there and and remained there eversince. My sweet, innocent, brotherly love for you eventually and inevitably evolved into the foundation of something beautiful and enigmatic.

I find it inevitable not to yield to you. You are the fire that invites the moth, the magnet that attracts the metal. I really find it hard to resist your charm. It seems that I am wanting you more and more. You are like a drug that I am addicted to. I am glad that you were responding to my warmth even though it is not with the same temperature.

The pages of each day turn and I am deeply tucked into your mud. I felt afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get myself out of it. You held my hand and my gaze at one instant and I never would have let it go it it wasn’t necessary or embarrassing.

We “were getting to know each other a little too well”, and one of the saddest truths I have known is that your heart longs not for me but for someone else. My world crumbled as if shaken by a strong quake.

I tried to conquer the feelings and hide it in a deep mine, but it seems like the more i hide it, the deeper it grows. I tried to stop the flow but it is like a river that seeks its own way. My feelings seem like the seed that will grow eventually.

I am saddened by the thought that it wasn’t magic for both of us. You still whisper her name while I murmur yours. I long to hold your hand while you reach out for hers. Now, I know that there are times when dreams remain dreams, we have no power to make them come true. Sometimes, the relationship we WANT IS THE ONE WE CAN NEVER HAVE. Sometimes, two people cannot walk side by side. One of them has to go on while the other stays; that is why while you walk away, i stay here and wish upon the stars that someday… one day in your journey, you will long for home and hopefully find it here in my arms.

love,
spokesperson

—————-

submitted by tillshesleeps.. salamat sa contribution!

To Jing as in Bonjing,

Silence is indeed deafening. I am unsure if you choose not to include me in your day or you are just too busy to pay attention, but there has been too much silence that I am deafened, worried that I might not hear you the same way you do not hear me these days.

The last thing I need is for us to have a wall between us. I miss conversing with you, i miss the times you practice your listening skills by listening to my ramblings, and most of all i miss spending time on nothingness with you.

I hope that one of these days, our paths will cross again, and we will be like we used to be, if not better.

I miss you…

tillshesleeps (feb3,3006)

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submitted by tillshesleeps.. salamat sa contribution!

To Ayang,

I thought I saw you last day but when this girl I turned a little it wasn’t you after all. I really hope it was you so that I could have a chance to be with you and have a chance to talk to you and asked you, how you’ve been? what’s new with you?

After all I came to realize that I was just missing you! and I keep on asking my self why? when I thought I’ve already got over you. We are friends and we will remain friends. But this feeling insist that it’s more than that, my care for you and thoughts of you wasn’t changed since then the time that I’ve realized what you are to me.

Loving you is wrong! yeah! I very much know that and aware of that! I guess you know some of the reasons why, the rest— let’s just leave it there!

Now I’m with all my strength to move on to a feeling that I am comfortable of……..

But still I will be around,.. a friend that you used to have, a friend that wont let you down, a friend you can lean on to, and a friend who loves you more than any friend can do. I am so happy that you exist in my life yang….I will always love you! friend!

from G.B.

—————

teka lang, ngayon ko lang napansin, itong ayang ba na to ay yung ayang din dun sa previous post? hmm mukhang lakas tama mo tsong. sige tuloy lang. walang basagan ng trip. — ed

Bhel,

Hello!!! I know you’ll be surprise about this but no matter how you react on this, this will only serve only one purpose, this maybe a long, long shot…but who knows…maybe this is the right time to say everything and find it in his heart to understand what were said and not said by this letter co’z after this the chance that we’ve seen each other again was going to be the month of December… Bhel I am glad and very much thankful that I’ve meet you (for the friendship, it is already the bonus!) You’re such a nice person in and out, and there’s no doubt why you have so many friends which love you the most of who you are and I want you to know that I’m one of them now! And I’m sorry for that! Yes, I was a silent spectator in your life. I was the one who love you profoundly although it is very important to me the friendship that we had but you know I didn’t wish this feelings that I had for you…but I can’t tolerate this feelings, actually I really hate this feelings it’s very hard for me, I really fell in love with you, How I wished I didn’t fall for your sweet smile, your soft voice and witty lines… how got to this place where I am now, I can’t explain, every night before my day ends my last thoughts are of you, even when I am with my friends, there had been times that I asked myself why is this happening? No matter how I try to teach my heart it still longs for you, you seemed to have melted all my defences and sanity as well! I am a funny and very jolly person 75% all of them maybe the others are all after I’ve learned what life is…maybe its all about to handle with much care and less care. I was a friend of yours and that all you wanted for me ever was. You said you didn’t want to ruin the special bond that we had by committing to something more than a friendship, but in the end I’m still here taking everything and risk everything although there were no chances at all but still hoping…Sometimes, I just wish you were one of those girls who just take the longest time to decide about anything. Someone I can suspend my hopes for; wishing that maybe, just maybe, at the end of everything, you’ll choose me, but I know your not that kind of woman, I know for the others or maybe for you it is a corny act by a person like me to do things like this.. But this is me.. I don’t know why I am so determined to be your man and to win to your heart maybe the reason why is I Love You… I’m sorry Bhel for doing this, but this is the only and the best way that I can express my feelings to say the words that I want to say even this is only a piece of paper but it still gives me strength to express everything.. I said that I let the time decide… yes Time others say is the best healer of all, I’m just about to believe it, fate, though, has a way of going through it in a shortcut. Everyday I get clues from the small things that come my way…I’ve learned to accept that I probably want, is not meant to be. Gradually the hatred subsides, the pain becomes bearable, and slowly, hope rises from within, like the morning sun, just like what I feel for you I LOVE YOU BHEL I’m so happy for what is happening right now even that you know that I have this feelings for you, your still my friend and I’m still your friend but a friend that loves you solemnly take care always and God bless…..

Love lots, Cris

————

(to gab, oo nga no?) aba ayus to ah. pinag combine lahat ng mga sulat dito? pero sige hayaan na natin to. mukhang nakapulot ng aral. imitation is the best form of flattery nga diba. pero ugags to ah. di ko napansin. sensya na. busy – ed

To: You Who Was Remembered

From: he who was forgotten

AYANG,
I know you’ll be surprise about this but no matter how you react on this, this will only serve only one purpose! I am glad and very much thankful na nakilala kita,(yong friendship, bonus na yon!) You’re such a nice person in and out, at di nakakapagtaka na maramin ang nagmamahal sayo! I want you to know that I’m one of them now! And I’m so sorry for that! di ko naman sinasadya eh! Mahalaga sakin ang friendship na meron tayo ngayon kaya lang di ko na kaya e-tolerate ang nararamdaman ko! I hate this feeling! nahihirapan ako! Yang, I feel in love with you…there had been times that I asked my self (bakit ganyan ka?) you seemed to have melted all my defenses and sanity as well! I am serious in life, spiritually, mentally…emotionally 75% nalang siguro after all I’ve learned what life is…it’s about to handle with much care and less care. I’m always dreaming na sana nandyan ako sa tabi mo masaya ka man o malungkot at inaalagan ka kapag may sakit ka. Maysado ka kasing sakitin e! you just don’t know kung gaano ako nag-aalala pag nalaman ko na hindi ka OK. I love the whole you yang, anemic, hikain, siponin, sumpongin at kung anu-ano pa, I appreciate you being like that kasi ikaw yon e and it completes you! You just don’t know how much I wanted to take care of you. I’m not expecting any return, I know where to put my self! sobra sobra na nga yong friendship eh! masakit man isipin pero kailangan tanggapin…basta, whatever will happen nandito parin ako para sayo wether you like it or not…GOD bless!!!

                                                           Â

                                                                            ALWAYS,
                                                                               gab